I toddle off to school, to spend the day with my wonderful students. They are ready for anything with their whole lives ahead of them. I continue to wrestle my demons as I question my ability to do my job. I drive home with the CD blasting great tunes, sailing past sparkling lakes, turkey vultures as tall as the hood of my car who watch me pass, trees dancing in the wind and the wind messing my hair, only to arrive home to more bad news from Leisureworld via Brian. Today Dad wanders down the hall, still in his wheelchair. He cannot walk on his own and has lost the ability to move around easily. He ends up pulling the fire alarm. I am mortified! At least I know they cannot kick him out of this Long-Term Care home.
I worry about having to restrain him. He is terribly confused and groaning a lot. We do not know if he is in pain or what we can do about it. The staff give him some Tylenol to ease his pain. It might simply be his knees that are agonizing him, but, again, we do not know. He cannot communicate this to us. Brian has been going in every morning after breakfast to feed him. He sends me off to work and then goes in to see dad. Sometimes Brian leaves the house before I do to get Dad up in time for breakfast.
Pain is not a normal part of aging. It is fairly common in Long-Term Care Homes, and ought to be addressed. Chronic pain is pain that persists for 3 to 6 months after it is expected to, after healing from something. Persistent pain is pain that lasts longer than a month. Dad has always had persistent pain, due to the arthritis in his knees, and this has never been adequately addressed. All of us tried many things but did not find relief – or he give up. He bought the magnetic wraps that are supposed to help, but gave those up. In the summer we put some topical ointments on his knees. After the radiation treatments on his forehead he put some of this, accidentally, on his forehead when he isn’t thinking straight. In the past Dad indicated pain, but he is beyond that now.
There are non-specific signs of pain: frowning, grimacing, grinding of teeth, fidgeting, bracing, rubbing, striking out, increasing or recurring agitation, poor eating or sleeping habits, sighing, moaning, groaning, decreasing activity levels, resisting particular movement, change in gait or behaviour or loss of function. Dad had all of these and, in hindsight, was clearly undermedicated.
School and teaching continue to give me stress. My hands continue to shake. I have gained weight. I am constantly fighting with either anger or fear, self doubt and insecurity. My boss has been vigilant in disciplining me for errors and correcting my anticipated bad behaviour. I understand, having been through the principal’s course, that it is up to the school leader to help teachers become the best they can be. I wonder if I am adequate as an educator. I have little self-esteem left. I have headaches and have had insomnia for months. I feel helpless and have no control over my own curriculum. The hand tremours began in May or June. I cannot remember exactly when they started. Things are such a battle with fighting for care for my mother. I need to stay home for a few days.